Kanawaho Imbulai Noda - Hain Jasli (Cover by - Nicholas Duin)

Kesakitan yang ku lalui.

Hari ini sepatutnya genap 40 minggu kandungan isteriku. Isteriku telah selamat melahirkan bayi perempuan pada jam 12am empat minggu awal dari tarikh jangkaan. Bayi kami yang baru lahir itu diberi nama Oliting Raen Willfred. Oliting dalam bahasa Dusun bermaksud jernih. Raen adalah modifikasi daripada perkataan English Rain yang bermaksud Hujan kerna sewaktu saya dan isteri disatukan, cuaca hujan. Namun, Tuhan lebih menyayangi anak perempuan kami. Di telah dijemput Tuhan lima jam setengah selepas kelahirannya iaitu lebih kurang jam 5.30am pada 19 Jun 2014. Hakikat bahawa anak pertama kami telah pergi buat selama-lamanya sangat pahit untuk ditelan. Kepahitan yang tidak dapat digambarkan dengan kata-kata. Perasaan ku pudar langsung tak berwarna. Bagaimana perasaan ku pada waktu itu hanya Tuhan yang tahu dan mengerti segalanya. Aku tidak dapat berhenti meraung menangis di dalam lubuk hatiku yang terdalam. Namun, ku gagahi diriku untuk tetap tenang tetapi hanya mampu bertahan seketika saja. Aku hanya manusia biasa yang tidak punya apa-apa. Aku tidak dapat berhenti bertanya kepada Tuhan di dalam hati, mengapa semua ini harus terjadi saat saya dan isteri hampir mengecapi kebahagiaan bersama anak yang telah ditunggu sejak sembilan bulan yang lepas. Namun, taka ada yang dapat ku perbuat untuk bisa mengembalikan bayi yang baru dilahirkan hidup kembali. Apa yang telah tejadi benar-benar telah menguji diriku dan isteri tersayang. Aku hanya mampu pasrah dan berserah kepada Tuhan atas apa yang telah terjadi. Sungguh berat untuk dipikul, tetapi terpaksa diangkat dengan kekuatan yang Tuhan salurkan. Melihat kembali wajah anak kami melalui gambar, perasaan rindu tak dapat diungkapkan dengan kata-kata. Hati hancur dan hancur tetapi tak ada apa yang mampu ku buat. Kesedihan yang ku alami masih belum sembuh lagi. Siang dan malam ku, dipenuhi dengan wajah anakku yang comel. Kerjaku jadi tak tentu. Motivasi ku menjadi kurang. Sangat sukar mengembalikan keceriaan semulajdi ku sebelum ini. Dugaan yang sungguh hebat dan tersangat berat ini kadangkala membuatku lemah dan tidak berdaya. Aku hanya mampu merenung hidup ku yang seakan-akan telah pudar dan tidak bererti.  Namun, mahu tak mahu, terpaksa ku relakan semua ini berlalu.

Saat saya dan isteri kehilangan anak pertama dan waktu ini isteriku masih belum sembuh sepenuhnya, dugaan lain pula datang menerjah hidupku. Dua bulan yang lalu, aku disahkan oleh doktor bahawa aku menghidap Cervical Myelopathy di mana  saya harus menjalani pembedahan untuk membuang disc yang telah menghimpit saraf tunjang sehingga belakang ku menjadi sakit tidak menentu dan kedua tapak tanganku kebas sehingga sekarang. Perubahan mulai ku rasakan dalam diriku. Aku cepat lupa dan sangat lambat untuk mengingati sesuatu perkara. Aku maklum kenapa ini terjadi. Mungkin kerna isyarat lambat sampai ke otak dan kembali semua kepada organ. Saya juga tak boleh duduk terlampau lama, kerna belakang dan leherku akan menjadi sakit. Apatah lagi berjalan jauh, menaiki tangga dan mengangkat barang yang ringan atau berat, ku mulai rasakan diriku tak mampu lagi berbuat sedemikian. Masa-masa di hadapan ini saya tak tahu apa lagi kebolehan yang akan berkurang dalam diriku. Kelmarin sekali lagi saya berjumpa dengan doktor di Queen Elizabeth II, doktor pakar sekali lagi memberitahu bahawa tak ada jalan lain lagi untuk kembali sembuh selain menjalani pembedahan. Selesai di Queen Elizabeth, saya terus ke KPJ untuk meminta pendapat daripada doktor pakar. Saya telah berjumpa dengan tiga orang doktor pakar. Melalui khidmat nasihat yang mereka berikan, saya harus membayarnya. Hanya dengan meminta nasihat sahaja, aku telah habis sebanyak RM600. Namun, aku tidak kisah dengan semua itu kerna apa yang penting ialah saya mendapat nasihat daripada beberapa orang pakar dan saya boleh membuat keputusan dengan senang. Ketiga-tiganya menyarankan saya untuk menjalani pembedahan.

Aku menjadi takut dan hanya mampu menangis di dalam kereta ku pada masa itu. Aku bertanya kepada Tuhan, mengapa saya harus melalui jalan seperti ini?  Masalah datang bertubi-tubi.  Aku hanya insan biasa yang tidak punya apa-apa. Keyakinan ku untuk hidup seperti dulu sepertinya hilang.

Andaikata inilah yang harus ku lalui, saya juga tidak punya jalan yang lain selain menjalani pembedahan kerana lambat-laun saya akan tetap menjalani pembedahan juga.  Aku sudah bersetuju dan telah nekad untuk melalui semua ini.

Aku tidak tahu bagaimana hasil pembedahan itu nanti. Saya hanya mampu berserah dan meminta kepada Tuhan supaya semuanya akan selamat dan dipermudahkan.  Tetapi andaikata Tuhan sudah merencanakan bahawa hidupku hanya setakat itu, aku tidak mampu mengubahnya kerna kentetuan hanya di tangan Tuhan. Saya harus menerima segala kemungkinan yang bakal terjadi dalam hidupku. Aku tidak tahu sama ada saya akan hidup seperti sediakala, hidup dalam kelumpuhan atau mungkin nyawaku di ambil Tuhan. Malam ini ku berikan ruang diri ini untuk mencoretkan segala perasaan yang tersimpan di dalam hati. Walaupun mungkin keluarga di sekelilingku tidak mahu saya berkata seperti ini, tetapi pada fikiranku hanya ini kesempatan yang aku ada. kerna sekiranya sesuatu yang tidak baik terjadi kepada diriku selepas pembedahan, aku mungkin tak mempunyai pelauang lagi untuk memberitahu perasaanku kepada orang di sekeliling ku terutama keluargaku. Apa yang ingin ku katakan, hanyalah ingin meminta maaf kepada semua atas segala perlakuan yang tidak menyenangkan, kata-kata ku yang mungkin pernah menyakiti perasaan, atau segala tindakan sama ada sengaja atau tidak sengaja. Ku pohon sejuta kemaafan. 

My Junior

Nicholas

Hi everybody. I wish you all have a very wonderful new year 2014. I thank God for everything He has done in my life, for the blessing rain down on me and my love one. I am also very glad to God for giving my family so many blessing.

As the time goes by, now it is about seven months I am a husband to a wife. Praise to the Lord, after five months married, finally my God once again gave a 'big present'. My wife was confirmed by a doctor in peninsular, carrying a very tiny dot that will grow up to be a baby in my wife's womb. But before the confirmation done by the doctor, my wife did two times the pregnancy test by herself. The first test was displaying double lines which actually showing that my wife was pregnant. But, my wife did not confident the test result because the red line color not so bright. So, she repeat and do the second test and the result showed more brighter than the first one. Oh my goodness! What a happy moment! I cannot describe my feeling at that time. I just kept telling God, that He is very awesome and marvelous. Shouting, yelling and so on hahaha!!The next day, i asked my wife to check in private clinic for the last confirmation before we do announcement to our closed family member. Both of us so excited and so do the rest!

Now, our baby growing up faster and he/she is now 15 weeks age. We are so excited to see the scan pictures of our baby. Both of us cannot wait to see you in this world baby but we will continuously waiting for your presence. It is about six months to go!

Below is our baby picture in womb. My prayer for you, grow up with God's love and wisdom, respect older than you, fear to God, and i pray you will have a success life ahead! I love you!

My dear baby.

God bless you all!

Welcome to my Blog!

Master

Hello to readers. Welcome to my blog everyone. Today is the second class of my master studies. My friends and I came to UMS on 6 September 2013 to complete the registration process. Thank you God, about 3.00pm, registration process done successfully. My first 

Beautiful Advice of Love!

Me, 2013- My face before get married. Taken in April 2013.
Appreciate every step and moment of our life!

Today, i received a message from a friend through Whatsapp. The message was in the form of website address. When i clicked the link given, the words made me to keep reading the article. Its about advises from a man who divorced after 16 years of marriage. He said in the his article, he was not a relationship expert but he finalized what had happened to their relationship. 

So here i am today, to share to you his beautiful advises that maybe will help you and me to stay strong in our relationship with the love one. It is something very useful and suitable to highlight to be our guidance in our marriage life. So, lets keep reading and enjoy!

1. Never stop courting. Never stop dating. NEVER EVER take that woman for granted. When you asked her to marry you, you promised to be that man that would OWN HER HEART and to fiercely protect it. This is the most important and sacred treasure you will ever be entrusted with. SHE CHOSE YOU. Never forget that, and NEVER GET LAZY in your love.

2. Protect your own heart. Just as you committed to being the protector of her heart, you must guard your own with the same vigilance. Love yourself fully, love the world openly, but there is a special place in your heart where no one must enter except for your wife. Keep that space always ready to receive her and invite her in, and refuse to let anyone or anything else enter there.

3. Fall in love over and over again.  You will constantly change. You’re not the same people you were when you got married, and in five years you will not be the same person you are today. Change will come, and in that you have to re-choose each other everyday. SHE DOESN’T HAVE TO STAY WITH YOU, and if you don’t take care of her heart, she may give that heart to someone else or seal you out completely, and you may never be able to get it back. Always fight to win her love just as you did when you were courting her.

4. Always see the best in her. Focus only on what you love. What you focus on will expand. If you focus on what bugs you, all you will see is reasons to be bugged. If you focus on what you love, you can’t help but be consumed by love. Focus to the point where you can no longer see anything but love, and you know without a doubt that you are the luckiest man on earth to be have this woman as your wife.

5. It’s not your job to change or fix her… your job is to love her as she is with no expectation of her ever changing. And if she changes, love what she becomes, whether it’s what you wanted or not.

6. Take full accountability for your own emotions: It’s not your wife’s job to make you happy, and she CAN’T make you sad. You are responsible for finding your own happiness, and through that your joy will spill over into your relationship and your love.

7. Never blame your wife if you get frustrated or angry at her, it is only because it is triggering something inside of YOU. They are YOUR emotions, and your responsibility. When you feel those feelings take time to get present and to look within and understand what it is inside of YOU that is asking to be healed. You were attracted to this woman because she was the person best suited to trigger all of your childhood wounds in the most painful way so that you could heal them… when you heal yourself, you will no longer be triggered by her, and you will wonder why you ever were.

8. Allow your woman to just be. When she’s sad or upset, it’s not your job to fix it, it’s your job to HOLD HER and let her know it’s ok. Let her know that you hear her, and that she’s important and that you are that pillar on which she can always lean. The feminine spirit is about change and emotion and like a storm her emotions will roll in and out, and as you remain strong and unjudging she will trust you and open her soul to you… DON’T RUN-AWAY WHEN SHE’S UPSET. Stand present and strong and let her know you aren’t going anywhere. Listen to what she is really saying behind the words and emotion.

9. Be silly… don’t take yourself so damn seriously. Laugh. And make her laugh. Laughter makes everything else easier.

10. Fill her soul everyday… learn her love languages and the specific ways that she feels important and validated and CHERISHED. Ask her to create a list of 10 THINGS that make her feel loved and memorize those things and make it a priority everyday to make her feel like a queen.

11. Be present. Give her not only your time, but your focus, your attention and your soul. Do whatever it takes to clear your head so that when you are with her you are fully WITH HER. Treat her as you would your most valuable client. She is.

12. Be willing to take her sexually, to carry her away in the power of your masculine presence, to consume her and devour her with your strength, and to penetrate her to the deepest levels of her soul. Let her melt into her feminine softness as she knows she can trust you fully.

13. Don’t be an idiot…. And don’t be afraid of being one either. You will make mistakes and so will she. Try not to make too big of mistakes, and learn from the ones you do make. You’re not supposed to be perfect, just try to not be too stupid.

14. Give her space… The woman is so good at giving and giving, and sometimes she will need to be reminded to take time to nurture herself. Sometimes she will need to fly from your branches to go and find what feeds her soul, and if you give her that space she will come back with new songs to sing…. (okay, getting a little too poetic here, but you get the point. Tell her to take time for herself, ESPECIALLY after you have kids. She needs that space to renew and get re-centered, and to find herself after she gets lost in serving you, the kids and the world.)

15. Be vulnerable… you don’t have to have it all together. Be willing to share your fears and feelings, and quick to acknowledge your mistakes.

16. Be fully transparent. If you want to have trust you must be willing to share EVERYTHING… Especially those things you don’t want to share. It takes courage to fully love, to fully open your heart and let her in when you don’t know i she will like what she finds… Part of that courage is allowing her to love you completely, your darkness as well as your light. DROP THE MASK… If you feel like you need to wear a mask around her, and show up perfect all the time, you will never experience the full dimension of what love can be.

17. Never stop growing together… The stagnant pond breeds malaria, the flowing stream is always fresh and cool. Atrophy is the natural process when you stop working a muscle, just as it is if you stop working on your relationship. Find common goals, dreams and visions to work towards.

18. Don’t worry about money. Money is a game, find ways to work together as a team to win it. It never helps when teammates fight. Figure out ways to leverage both persons strength to win.

19. Forgive immediately and focus on the future rather than carrying weight from the past. Don’t let your history hold you hostage. Holding onto past mistakes that either you or she makes, is like a heavy anchor to your marriage and will hold you back. FORGIVENESS IS FREEDOM. Cut the anchor loose and always choose love.

20. Always choose love. ALWAYS CHOOSE LOVE. In the end, this is the only advice you need. If this is the guiding principle through which all your choices is governed, there is nothing that will threaten the happiness of your marriage. Love will always endure.

In the end marriage isn’t about happily ever after. It’s about work. And a commitment to grow together and a willingness to continually invest in creating something that can endure eternity. Through that work, the happiness will come. Marriage is life, and it will bring ups and downs. Embracing all of the cycles and learning to learn from and love each experience will bring the strength and perspective to keep building, one brick at a time.

These are lessons I learned the hard way. These are lessons I learned too late. But these are lessons I am learning and committed in carrying forward. Truth is, I loved being married, and in time, I will get married again, and when I do, I will build it with a foundation that will endure any storm and any amount of time.

If you are reading this and find wisdom in my pain, share it those those young husbands whose hearts are still full of hope, and with those couples you may know who may have forgotten how to love. One of those men may be like I was, and in these hard earned lessons perhaps something will awaken in him and he will learn to be the man his lady has been waiting for.

MEN- THIS IS YOUR CHARGE: Commit to being an EPIC LOVER. There is no greater challenge, and no greater prize. Your woman deserves that from. Be the type of husband your wife can’t help but brag about.

Prepare (January)

Hi readers. What a long time didn't have any sounds here. It was more than half of the year and finally this is my first posting for 2013.

I have so much things to write here. There are a lot of things was happened to myself since early of this year. But i will coming out to share to you my big event first that was very meaningful to my life.  I want it to be shared and written here so the story will remain here and be my 'smiling face' in the future when i read it. It will not only me, but actually with my love one and also maybe to my generations in the future. 

As i wrote last year, i was engaged to a chosen one who had sharing with the love of us since 2001. That was, during myself in form 4. I thanks to God for putting the love, loyal and faith between us until we both decided to make it more seriously on the engagement day. So, that was the little story about last year. If you are interested to read more story of us, you can browse my entries and find out the one i mention. 

This year, i was going to make it more deeper seriously when the first step i took with her in January. We both went to Center Point and find a bridal to make pre-wedding pictures. After a few time (not long), finally we have chosen Life Bridal as our place to make pre-wedding pictures and as our wedding consultant until the day of our big day. The Life Bridal staff, Miss Teresa was the one who was our consultant. She was pretty, sweet and very friendly. She explained the Chinese New Year offer in detail and done very good explanations and also gave all the information to us early. It was not hard to contact with her because she had a whatsapp and viber. So, i usually get in touch with her through the android application. Thank you Mr Android.

So, after decision made, finally we picked the 3rd of March as our photo shot day. By the way, before the time comes, we needed to get to Life Bridal Shop for the selection of wedding gowns. To be continued....

The writer of this blog.